Thursday, 30 October 2008

Then they hit you with the Rescue Blues..

I'm in a wierd place right now. It feels like I'm okay, but everything around me is collapsing. That may not necessarily be true, but that's how it feels. As far as I know, I'm not depressed, and I'm not facing any mania. I'm 'content', if you will. However, the world around me seems to be far from content. Loved ones are having problems, some don't seem to be talking to me anymore, and others can't get online to talk to me, or to perv on 'House'. Mentally, I'm in a very wierd place - facing, as I am, for the first time, having to depend on no one, but myself.

I think the fear of this may be what's causing this sudden awareness of the failures of the world around me. I watched a video for 'Change' by the Budweiser guys, which brought me right down, and made me want to flee this doomed planet. Perhaps it is merely a sudden bout of realism I am facing. Those of you that know me, will be aware that one of my biggest fears is that I'm just in a barn, having one big schizophrenic episode.
In a way, I've recently come face to face with this fear, realising that all my ambition, ego, and inflated opinion of myself may not just be arrogance, but in fact just a manic delusion brought about by my bi-polarity. I'm considering getting help, so allay this fear, but I'm not sure. Maybe it's a good thing? I did a bulletin today that asked me: "Do you believe that if you want something bad enough you will get it?". I answered 'No', but what if it's true. Maybe my delusions/arrogance will eventually be the force to get me up, and achieving my dreams - Something I'm lightyears away from at the moment.

So many questions, so few answers, and a whole dose of realism. Combine that with isolation from my friends, an increased dependance on the family I loathe so deeply, and I guess I'm bound to be in a wierd place. I guess the only thing to do, is fight through it.

Love you all..


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