Thursday, 23 September 2010
Something I have given a lot of thought to, is the wish that life was something you could give up experiencing, and just observe, like the tougher levels on a computer game that you can't crack, so you pass to your sibling to finish instead. I yearn with all consciousness to just be able to say, when one realises that they can't feasibly carry on, 'That's it for me, actually! I'll opt out, if that's okay', as if life was a particularly tough game of chess.
Not suicide, though. Admittedly as a young 'un who still very much believed in God and Heaven and the possibility of an afterlife, the idea of suicide was an attractive one. When things got too much, I could just pop myself off and watch things unfold from above. But now, unfortunately I guess you could say, I am freed of such beliefs, and I'm stuck for a way out.
Because I cannot cope now, and by all indication that isn't going to change. I long so much for independence, but my Mother still has to send me emails telling me how to divide my money so as to carry on surviving. I'm never going to understand the world of bill payments, rents, direct debits, and why I have to wait until the 18th to repay LeakyCon, and I've had to realise* that after recovering from a series of very serious illnesses, she may not be around much longer.
So then what? I can't keep relying on friends, and in any case I have a habit of driving them away. I'm useless at relationships, particularly with the kind of people** that could actually help me sort my life out, and as such I have since given up on trying.*** I'm fucked. Absolutely fucked, and there's nothing I can do about it. I simply will never be able to cope with the pressures of adult life.
So what the fuck do I do?! Maybe I could become a convict, and spend a life in prison. Or, as celibacy is something I am set on anyway, maybe a hypocritical, self-loathing life in a monastery is something I could consider. Bah! Answers on a postcard.****
*Actually had to. My Mother has always been blunt.
***Yes! As of the 22nd of September, 2010, I am now celibate and swear off all future relationships. If you wish to place bets on how long this will last, please speak to any of my flatmates.
**** Or in the comments.
Pontifications by Giles Baggott at 6:46:00 pm