Not the 'Five Stages of Grief' bargaining, the 'If I can just make it through today' bargaining. The one where you promise yourself that if you can make it through this day in one piece, you can have a whisky, or you can enjoy the release of Friday, or you can have that piece of turkey you have waiting for you in the freezer.
On the surface, it works. It gives you something to think about, and set your mind on, as you fail your way through a singing lesson, and as you lounge languid and bored in each of your lectures. But really it doesn't. Because lurking deep below the surface is the real and destroying knowledge that no matter how successfully the day goes, there's not going to be anyone at home to kiss you 'Hello', to cuddle you and to tell you how proud of you they are for making it through each day.
And even worse, there's the knowledge that surely there will be a day when you can't make it through. And the implications of that are crushing.
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I don't know if you've finished reading Infinite Jest but towards the end there is a lot about this bargaining and day at a time mentality & it's really thought provoking & <3
ReplyDeleteYou will always make it through if you want to--I realize I sound like a fucking cliche self-help book, but it's really quite true.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about the bargaining though. I've been trying to focus on living in the present, enjoying each moment (once more my type is reminiscent of a hackneyed line from an inspirational success-story novel), but it's so difficult to avoid dwelling on the future.
I really have no answers.